Lessons From My 60-Year Old Mother

I went on Skype with Nanay (mother) after her "surprise"* birthday celebration the other day. She was so happy - a picture of a content woman at 60 because of all the recognition, affirmation, gratitude and love that she received that day. She told me that this was one of the only two "birthday parties" she ever had in her entire life. (She usually stops us whenever we organize a party for her because she thinks it's a waste of money.)

Nanay started in life with so much hardships and she often feels regretful for not being able to do more. She's also not as affectionate as Tatay (father) because her life circumstances shaped her to exhibit toughness and independence. But Nanay dreamt anyway. Nanay loved anyway - in ways she knows how.

Nanay is self-sacrificial. She thinks of others first before herself. She even decided to give the money that was supposed to be used for her birthday party last Sunday to a relative who was recently widowed and has a sick son. She cares a lot - too much that it often feels that she's meddling in other people's lives. But she can't help it.

And this Sunday culminated all the inconveniences, hurts, awkwardness, misunderstandings and all the negativities that come with loving others. Amazingly, however, what she experienced on her birthday party was anything but that. That is what the love of God can do to a person.

Because really, with all that Nanay had gone through, I am in awe at her ability to love nevertheless. And I know, she knows - she tells me that a lot - that it is the love of God that compels her. All these messages from family, relatives, friends, and the church confirm an irrefutable truth that has been shouting at me for the last two years now: Love wins.

Nanay may not have much money nor the prestige or position a woman of her skills and wit can achieve. Her children are neither perfect. Although there's nothing wrong with having much money, prestige, beautiful children. It would be awesome to have the best things in life and be loved by those you love as well.

But that time, while I was talking to her, I believe several times, in those 60 years, she had to make a choice. And I am soooo glad she had been choosing well.

And while she may not always choose well (she's not perfect!), she believes anyway. She trusts and hopes for the best anyway. And isn't that what love is all about (1 Corinthians 13)?

Happy 60th birthday, Nanay. Thank you for teaching me the most valuable lesson of all.

Nanay at Kalanggaman Island, Leyte (December 2012)

*My mom has a strong intuitive sense. It's actually difficult to keep secrets from her.

The Better Way

Any time is a time to love – no matter how embarrassing, uncertain, questionable, risky, and potentially controversial it might be. This is what I powerfully learned today as I gave my pasalubong or ‘welcome gift’ to Phil, my professor in Urbanisation last year.

Early on in my first few weeks in New Zealand, I was told not to get Phil as a professor. They say he is strict, cold, and distant. But the adventurous in me told me to take the risk. I had one similar professor in my undergraduate years and being in his class turned out to be a fulfilling and rewarding experience for me. So I gave it a go.

During the first lectures, it is easier to judge Phil as a cold, unloving, white, middle-aged man because of his pragmatism and penchant for line graphs and quantitative analysis. He is also not quite generous with grades. But beyond those seemingly straightforward lectures and discussions, Phil’s passion and dedication for what he does and how he sets the bar of excellence for postgraduate students really stand out.

After coming back from my field work in the Philippines, I already set it in my mind to buy some Filipino tokens for my friends in Wellington. And Phil is among those in my list. But it took me almost a month to give it to him because it was either he is away or is attending to some students. Also, whenever I am about to give the gift to him, I am presented with self-doubts on whether it is appropriate or even ethical to give gifts to your professor in New Zealand.

This afternoon, I bravely decided to show my appreciation and love when I received an email from the head of school about the death of his son-in-law. I said to myself, ‘There could be no better time to do it than now.’ So I knocked at his office and waited for a few moments as he was on a phone call. Then I gave the gift to him and he received it very warmly. We had a few talks on where I am in my thesis. Then I disclosed my dilemma on the appropriateness of my gesture and he told me, ‘This is actually something that is slowly diminishing now in New Zealand. But for me, the more the better!’ So I also said, ‘If they were to ask me, any time is a good time to show your appreciation.’ Then he gave me a tight hug.

I was still a bit shaky and nervous as I left his office – which is what I usually feel whenever I talk to him. He’s such a good and critical listener, which makes me very mindful of what I say to him. But this has taught me a lot about what real love is – it requires courage. One has to be brave enough to abandon his or her self just to be of service to others. 

"If you only love the people who love you, you will get no reward… And if you are nice only to your friends, you are no better than other people. Even those who don’t know God are nice to their friends. In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.” (Matthew 5:43-48, NCV and MSG)

And even if my professor took it differently, I would still love anyway. After all, there is no better way.

26 August 2014
Victoria University of Wellington
New Zealand