Black Out

When I felt that excruciating and unbearable pain in my lower abdomen and lower back, I knew I had to go home. I packed my stuff in my bag, turned off my computer and thought it best to go to the toilet before heading to the bus stop. Fatimah, my Saudi Arabian colleague, saw me and asked me if I am okay. She said I look ill. She was right.

I was beginning to feel dizzy and it was becoming difficult to breathe. So I decided to get out of the toilet and go back to my room where I could sit down. I saw Fatimah running behind me as I struggled to slot in the key to open my room. My hands were shaking. After a few seconds, all I can remember was that I was on my knees as Fatimah gasped, trying to catch me as I unconsciously fall down to the floor.

I can hear other postgraduate students - Gina, Pedram, Anna, and Kelly - who were trying to wake me up. I can hear them asking me to open my eyes and to stay awake, which I tried with much effort. I was lying on Fatimah's arms and I can feel her body shaking as I hear her say, "I am scared." She asked for water and wiped them on my cheeks. Since I was still not fully conscious, she then asked for her perfume, put some on her head scarf and placed it on my nose. That finally woke me up. The first words I muttered were: "What happened?" They were all looking at each other as one replied, "Arla, you just fainted."

It took 20 minutes for the ambulance to arrive. Pretty long for an emergency response. But I couldn't complain. As they transferred me to a couch in one of the postgraduate rooms, I remember that when the same situation happened to me two years ago, no one thought of calling the ambulance. Instead, there were two big soldiers carrying me as the office driver (my 'Fatimah' that time) drove me to the nearest hospital inside the military camp where I worked.

Never have imagined I would use this service during my stay here in Wellington.

Two similar situations, one deadly reason: I was trying to play 'God' again.
A few days back, I knew I had to slow down. But whenever I would shut myself from my daily routine, I would find myself thinking of the so many things I wish I could do and could've done.

Isaiah 30:15 says, "This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.'"

Oftentimes, we try to run so fast and so strong. We try to run after so many things to give meaning to ourselves and others. But instead of finding answers, we find ourselves wanting more control so we can manipulate our realities until we become so insecure of ourselves because we realize we can only do so much. For others, the answer is simple: just give up. And once the chasing ends, both those who insisted and those who called it quits will find that in the secret, darkest place of their being is an eerie reality of nothingness. A total black out.

We can fill our lives with accomplishments, relationships, fat bank accounts, good works, and even religion (or the none of it). Or we can trust God and enter into His rest.

I am not saying that idleness is a better choice. But whenever we trust in our own capacities, when we go astray in our hearts from what God is telling us to do, when we harden our hearts to what He is saying to us, we will never know His ways, which are always the better way. No wonder, a lot of us struggle and feel like pushing a big rock that never moved. We keep on pushing and are unable to enter rest because we do not believe what God can do for and on behalf of us.

I ended up not working for the next two weeks. Some of my schedules were a little bit behind my timeline but I am still fine. In fact, I never felt more relieved. For I know that, whether in the mountains and the valleys of my being, God is with and before me. There are no black-outs, no dead-ends. Only better and brighter days ahead.